Now.. to BIG BUCKS!

How's this for business?



Thanks guys. Now to kitty pimping!

I love being a pimp. I feel.. umm... powerful.

I think it's gorgeous! I can now start recruiting kitty models with good behaviour to model for my little tiny weeny creations.

Do you have what it takes?

Fame needs me

Today, a lesson in future tense.

The professeur asked us to write something about what we dream of doing, and below is my entry, in very elementary french:

Je serai le plus célébre écrivain d’internet du jour. Les gens ne sauront pas d’infos sur moi parce que je vais avoir un nom de plume. Ma site d’internet aura beaucoup de visiteurs de partout du monde. Tout le monde lira mes idées sur plusieurs sujets.

Translation:
I will be the most famous internet writer of the contemporary times. People won’t know anything about me because I will use a pseudonym. My site will have lots of visitors from all over the world. Everybody will read my ideas on many subjects.

Very impossible.

Lately I have been thinking of doing many things (which I do not know what of) on the internet to earn major big bucks. So basically it would combine a few of my passions into one: the internet, doing nothing and my cat(s). I am gonna dress the part (in pyjamas), click all day, develop desk-bound related neurological disorders and still have a little sleeping cat on my lap to comfort me when things turn bad.

I need to be famous. Desperately.

Make me famous!!

When I am, I can sell any crap and junk on the internet and will make big bucks with minimal investment. And I can work from anywhere in the world. Do you guys still need bottled air?

Did I say investment?

Mine's only partly damaged

I used to secretly enjoy the smell of Peter Stuyvesant secondhand cigarette smoke and I would inhale hard whenever I sit close to my chimney of a father. He doesn’t know that. On our various road trips together, he would puff away while I sip a bottle of Cola and lose myself in every passing tree, and of course the deliciousness of being enveloped in the acrid and pungent sweetness of his smoke.

I also missed New Year and fireworks. I loved the smell of fireworks. I loved to chase and breathe in its residue, the white trail left behind when you doodle nonsensical nothingness in the air.

I am the real connoisseur. I delve deep into the secrets of enjoyment. What is the meaning of beauty when all that you can see is the façade?



Now I have difficulty understanding math.

Life are mistakes waiting to happen?

The worst tasting porridge in the whole damn world!

Boil rice. Add some salt. Add shredded carrots and potatoes. Now time for chicken stock. Forgot to taste it before adding salt. Add more salt according to instinct. Add more chicken stock, just for the sake of it. Finally taste it, expecting it to be good. BIG mistake. Curse. Ladle out half of the contents in pot and throw it away. Add more water to dilute excessive salt and chicken stock.

I ended up with arguably the worst tasting porridge ever (apart from other culinary misadventures).

Urghh! Why can't life be blessed with 3 daily undo(s)? That would have saved lots of unnecessary troubles.

If I am to be permitted to undo even one mistake a day, I would be very grateful. When that happens.

Love Conquer$$ All!

Dear lovey-dovey people,

Today I have bumped into a "very February edition" article in a local chick magazine (if its chick lit, can it be chick mag?). Anyway, it aimed at teaching clueless guys out there on how to finally know the secret to your girlfriend/wife's heart by doing simple gestures in this very special day. Its St. Valentine's Day, by the way (welcome to my blog, dear blurry men!) and an article of this kind is bound to appear in every magazine, newspaper, tea towels, toilet rolls, the back of cans, mineral water bottles, spray paint, canned tuna, CD covers, cell phone screens, local dumpster truck. I think saying "I love you" by pasting your mug shot on the local dumpster is real cute and super cool.

(That's for you, retarius. Good luck with the chicks! They will swarm you like bluebottles, hopefully for a good reason).

So, in that article, the author claimed that one single stategy that can literally kill you girlfriends/wifes into lumps of nostalgic lovey-dovey drool fest is to bring her back to where you first met her, kissed her, or held her hands. While you are at it, give subtle hints that you DO remember what she wore on your first date and how it had blown your mind of! To make things sweeter, eat that dessert that you both have shared on your that historic first date too. Tell her she looks just as smashing as she did and how you would love her indefinitely.

Its as easy as 1-2-3.

But try doing that every year, mister!

However, the advice I loved best was:
Know her dress size, shoe size, coat size, stocking size, bra size and of course finger size (for that ring), and then..

JUST OPEN YOUR WALLET!



Happy St. Consumerism's Day!!!

Sneezing my way to heaven's gate

I love sneezing. It makes me high.

Valiums? No. Just get yourself a flu infection.

Its hard to describe how good it is. It's a mild kind of high, unlike the "BAMM" that hard drugs would supposedly give. It builds up, even if you eventually not sneeze, it still leaves an overall feel good factor.

The best thing about flu is that people would sympathize everytime you sneeze. Oohhs, ahhhs and god bless yous. What they don't know is.. my dear friends.. I enjoy it. Better than Royce chocolates. Maybe not better, but close. Yes, very close..

I am not a strong god believer. But if in my lifetime I have been able to accumulate countless (close to millions) of "God bless you(s)" from friends, relatives and strangers just because i sneeze, would I gain entry into heaven if there's indeed a god and heaven exists? When I say god, I mean I don't know. There's too much options out there that each claims that they have god behind them. So, tough luck. Anyway, would I gain entry into heaven, or will I be written into the other list?

I saw Constantine which starred Keanu Reeves the other day, and it was a story of a suicider trying to buy his way into heaven despite being doomed for hell for killing himself. So to make the story short, and to spoil it for you, yes he did gain entry in the very end of the movie. Sorry, mate. So, I intend to attempt the same. So friends, offer me some "god bless you(s)", no matter what branch of religion you are part of. Just trying my luck, who knows I might hit the jackpot one day.



By the way, if you have the chance to finally watch Constantine, do check out the Devil. He's cool and definitely rocked. And check out Gabriel (the angel) too. Bad fashion taste. One of the non-highlight of the movie. Angels are not supposed to wear so last, last season (spring/summer 2004) torn, 90's punk-inspired garbs ala breakdancers with torn/pleated fabric treatment and bad, bad, bad perm. I don't have any of those crap in my wardrobe.



Notice those bangs? You DON'T want to see what the fashion designers did to her pants.



Wear a tuxedo. Like you did at the beginning of the movie. Notice that in the picture above, the bangs are well tucked back. Smart move. Maybe the producers know that this will jeopardize the ticket sales. Too bad there are no pics of the Satan. Go watch it yourself. Now.

And, remember the "god bless you(s)". Its crucial. Tata.

..and....

The Peanut Queen asked me:

1. Dragons or unicorns?
2. Which of your senses would you be willing to give up if you absolutely had to? Sight, smell, touch, taste or hearing.
3. Name one of your greatest fears.

Answers:
1. Dragons!
2. Maybe hearing. I won't want to lose any senses that allow me to enjoy great food.
3. (flying cockroaches.. can you believe that all my siblings are afraid of them? By the way I only have brothers. They don't rock.)

The dreaded Q&A session

In response to The Peanut Queen's questions:

1. Favourite movie - All Tim Burton movies
2. Favourite book - Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting and Kafka's The Metamorphosis
3. Favourite song - Tori Amos' Carnival (you'll feel like something's swimming in your brain)

I like all things weird.

(A) Now, time for questions. Just answer them..

1. Grapes or raisins?
2. Someone dropped 200 bucks, what do you do? (you saw it, don't deny..)
3. If something is so delicious, would you lick the plate???

My answers:
1. Raisins
2. Ahem.. give it back
3. All the time (discreetly, of course..)

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Then I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!

Do it, fast.


(Credits to the Peanut Queen)

Value Of The Day

Aspiring Librarian Of The Year: Can you wear longer shirts next time so that I won't be able to see your err... and can you not wear low neck tops?

"No! How else would my potential clients check out what I have to offer??" - NOT!

Thanks, bitch. You make my library visits all the more joyful.